Things Fall Apart

Okay. So the title may be a bit melodramatic....things haven't quite reached Yeats' "Second Coming", apocalyptic peak quite yet:

"Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? "

Although it does feel as though mere anarchy has descended upon my mind and existence, I know the rough beast is not quite upon me =P

I do, however, feel the swirl of chaos about my life.
Exhibit A: What the heck am I supposed to do with my life?! I feel like this question has been my mantra of almost a year. Shouldn't some sort of vague direction be discernible at this point? I mean, for the love...

No really. I could use some advice here. I have been keeping my head above water since May, but just barely....living off savings while I did an unpaid internship (great experience, but I'm pretty sure I'm not built for DC reporter lifestyle....and I wasn't even reporting or writing at all. Pathetic.) Then drifting from family to family, nannying full time (LOVED my families, but at some point you realize you are helping others live their lives rather than having one of your own...). Next I got REALLY psyched about an internship I had for a week, event planning. But that fell through.

I now have approximately half an hour to decide whether or not to take the stuffy office job I've so dreaded.
Where does the line get drawn between holding out for the dream job and just being lazy? I mean, at some point, bills must be paid, and so the cubicle cage becomes voluntary for the sake of our dignity and our purse.
*Sigh*

And that's exhibit B---
I have bills to pay, both visible and invisible. Since I have been in the DC area, I have transformed into the most insufferable mooch within a ten mile radius. I know, I know...it's a stage. The insipid post-college existence that relies on the kindness of strangers and friends to provide meals, a roof over your head, etc... I have this little imp on my back though, a horridly stubborn little creature whos grip only grows stronger over time as I try to throw him. Perhaps you've heard of him---his name is Pride. For some reason he kicks me right in the gut whenever I contemplate how long I have been living in people's basements or eating their food or just invading their space in general. They are all very gracious and kind about it...but I still feel like a personal parasite. And though I know they expect nothing in return, mentally I am overwhelmed by the debt that I owe. Perhaps the most humbling thing is to accept the charity of others.

To be perfectly honest I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in the DC area. I tend to confuse myself--has God really placed me here? Or am I simply drifting? I could go somewhere else--but I feel the situation would be the same.

I feel like nothing in my life is at all sure or permanent. I feel adrift. And as soon as I think something is secure, it becomes unbolted. Things fall apart.

Does anyone has any wisdom for this? (And no offense, but the whole "things will get better, it's just a phase" bit does little to comfort....even though it may be true.)

Well, I guess this is just one more pointless journal entry shooting into the oblivion...let me know if there's any obvious solution I'm overlooking.